He makes me happy…

So I don’t know what love is, but I’ve heard a lot about it, and read a lot. I wonder if this is what I have… I mean I know love with the family and stuff.. But this love is different.. Though I’m not sure if it’s love… I really, really like him… So like everyone’s all “Love is fast and bright like lightning…” but I’m not sure if that’s true… I like to imagine that love is warm, and slow in growing.. It’s being able to lay on the phone for hours and find ways to fill it… it’s continuing to learn everything you can about somebody, even after spending a long time with them.. It’s a soft warm glow that fills you to the brim with hope and happiness.. It’s holding their hand and knowing that though it’s not enough, it kinda is. It’s being happy that they’re happy, and feeling safe in their arms… It’s soft, and gentle, filling your heart, making you smile for no reason, thinking about a person so much that you worry, it’s thinking about a conversation and giggling for no reason, sometimes scaring people because you won’t explain. It’s being accepted for who you are, not matter what, and finally accepting yourself.. It’s feeling like you belong somewhere instead of just floating around and not really being anything..

This thing deep inside
Grows with every conversation
I’m not sure what to call it
But it’s warm and comforting

I think about it, and you, a lot
I must admit, sometimes it’s scary
You can make me smile,
When all I think of is crying

You can make me laugh,
And that just makes it bigger
This deep warmth
This softly glowing light inside of me

I’m not sure what this is
But I can’t imagine my life without it
Especially now, I can’t imagine losing you
I can’t imagine not talking to you

I can’t imagine laughing without you
I can’t imagine smiling without you
I can’t imagine not dreaming about you
It’s almost as if you belong here

I know this may sound creepy
But it’s deep and true
What I write comes from inside of me
And I love how you accept it now matter what

This may not rhyme
This may not make sense
But somehow it’s something I can’t say to you
I have to write it

Yea, I’ll admit, I’m scared of rejection
But I’m equally scared of being accepted to
I’ve never really had someone feel the same
And yet, I want it


Yea, Ryan, I’m talking about you.. I can’t recreate the perfect blog I had before, but this is kinda better in it’s own sense.. I will read this to you, tomorrow.. Or I’ll send it to you via mail.. I’m not sure yet, most likely read it to you.. It’ll be hard, and I’ll be blushing the entire time, but it’s worth it.. You don’t have to say anything on it.. Just listen, I know you’re good at that.. But your thoughts and comments are always welcome… You should know that by now.. But yea.. Ryan, you do make me happy…

Erick, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.. Because if you don't tell me, I'm giving you a card with like 20 bucks in it.. or something... so yea.. Miss you <3

Somebody needs to fix me, because I'm damn broken.. and I'm not sure if I can fix myself this time.. and I'm tired of all the bitching.. and I'm tired of it always being my fault.. and I'm tired of hurting people.. and I'm tired of not wanting to be here anymore.. and I'm tired of being tired.. I want to be as happy as I act in RP.. I want to feel that.. if not all the time.. at least occassionally.. I don't really think it's that much to ask for.. but I must be mistaken.. Guys.. I think.. I'm seriously messed up.. and I'm scared... and.. I don't know why, or what to do... I'm tired of home not being home.. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong in my own skin.. And the only one who makes me feel half way decent is Ryan.. and I damn well don't know what the hell's wrong with me... I'm tired of feeling like I shouldn't be me... I'm want to feel happy about each day.. I want to feel the way I feel when I'm laying on the phone with him.. I want to feel the way I feel when he writes me a damn email that makes me smile and I can't stop thinking about it.. I wanna feel normal.. all the time... I'm just tired of feeling like I'm not me, and not knowing what to do with it..

Ok Erick.. don't shoot me

So... I got a new boyfriend.. His name is Ryan.. he's 21.. he has a kid from a previous relationship but I could care less.. I really really like him, and wrote him this three page letter.. and he wrote me back.. and he's sooooo sweet... Omg.. Erick.. he's perfect... I've seriously never felt this way before.. like a constant high... I could lay on the phone for hours and just talk to him.. he makes me happy in a way I've never felt before... he can make any day suddenly be perfect... He can... make me laugh, he can make me.. smile... he makes me feel... not empty... Like I actually have a brighter future.. something to look forward to... Erick... when he wrote me back.. he said and I quote... "And any type of feeling that I would not like you take it out of your mind because You could be nine hundred pounds with bright green skin and smell like four week old tacos and I would still feel the same way about you."... Yea.... not the sweetest.. but... it still... made me smile... even more so since I just got out of the shower... Erick... I wish we still had a class together so I could tell you all about him.. so I could show you how happy I was... so I could... make you see how much different I am.. just in the short time we've been going out (Jan. 3 :D) I'm.. just so damn happy... I... Erick.. god I need to talk to you... Erick.... What if I'm in love?