How can I help you to say goodbye-Patty Loveless

Blood, the eternal drink
That which brings life and death
Hope and wonder
The secret ever kept

What can you find in mine?
Memories once past,
Desires burning like fire,
Slow decent into a deteriorating death.

Show not what can be, but what is
Be not what you want, but what you are
Prove to yourself once more you deserve
The eternal drink in your veins

Watch it slide down my arm
Pale skin stained red,
Breath fading away,
Let none wonder why, only what they shall pay

This death is sweet yet oh so harsh,
New and yet oh so old.
To go before you are told,
To take fate within your own hands and blade.

Allow none to pass judgment,
For shall they too take the plunge.
Allow none within your heart,
For shall they too fear the walk.

Once one has done what one must do,
The scar is there, a quick reminder of what is you
Your goal is clear, finish what was started,
Tell none your ambitions, for they will stop you.

Heed my warning, don’t take their pill,
Their mind games they play make you more ill
Remind yourself the life to come,
Do us all a favor and be less than one.

That which we all live for

When the truth unfolds,
And her world shatters,
Who will save her from herself?
Only few know how much she will be battered.

We all seek that which we can not have,
Happiness.
We all know we’ll never have it,
So why do we live?

I know why we live.
We live for we’re too scared to die
But that’s all we live for really.
Death.

Such a horrific thought to some,
Yet to others,
Such an alluring song.
Which can you hear?

Will your fear and animalistic behavior stop you?
Will you fight for a life that in the end,
Doesn’t belong to you?
Can you imagine dying?

In a way, we all are
Everyday, every minute, your life wastes away.
We all live to die,
It’s how it’s meant to be

There are some,
The precious few,
Who already are half way dead,
And they see what the scared can not.

Will you listen?
Will you see?
Can you feel?
How hopeless it must be.

I have no friggin clue, don't ask. It's just.. whatever.. Comments? Thoughts? Am I too morbid?

Drama xD

So apparently it's alright for my sister to dirty up my clean kitchen, order me around like a dog. Oh, it's also apparently okay for Amber and fucking Scott to wrestle on my bed when they know thats where my laptop is, knock it off, so class cuts into the screen. No one fucking cares, and they don't even have the fucking decency to fucking tell me. I mean, it's not BADLY damaged, I can still use it, and the screen just has a little COUPLE of grooves in it. Oh and down by the bottom the silver stuff apparently cracked off. I'm scared to look at the bottom of the laptop. So fucking rude.

I'm seriously getting tired of these people just basically taking advantage of me and using me.. I mean, fuck! They sleep over here all the time because their parents won't let them, they have their own fucking bed, the least they could do is keep the fuck off my shit, but no..

And god forbid we fucking say anything to Jasmine, who by the way, pawns the kid off on fucking ANYONE just so she doesn't have to deal with him. I seriously need a job so that I can just leave.. Fuck, I'd go anywhere right now.. I'm so sick of all this bullshit, and I just keep fucking taking it because it's my family and I hate fucking being alone..

Sometimes, I don't even want to wake up. I pray that I die in my sleep so I don't have to go through one more damn day of this nut house, but I always wake up, and I always fucking take it.. Guess thats never going to change, and why should it? I'm the first born, I'm supposed to act good, and do as I'm told. I'm the perfect little angel, the one thats never hurt, the one that never cries, or cares... The invisible one.. Hehe...

Updates, updates, updates

So sometimes I just can't believe that everything has passed. The other day my siblings got their school registration stuff in the mail, and I actually went to look for the one with my name on it, only to remember, I graduated. I died inside, wanting so badly to go back. I can't believe that I'm now facing the rest of my life, as an adult. That "There's always school!" security is gone. I won't be able to hang with Amber during Government (she was the only thing that made the class bearable) or see Erick, or Omar. I just feel so blank inside these days, knowing that I don't even want college, knowing that I want to be a trucker. It's kinda hard. Knowing what I want but not being able to reach for it till I'm twenty one. Another thing. In a couple months, I turn 19. It just seems too big. Too much at once. My mom always said "They grow up fast." and I never realized how fast I was growing up until now. It's crazy, how it all starts to hit you. First you graduate, then if you don't have a job, you need one. Then.. just.. BAM, you realize, it's over. You look at your life and all you can think is "Goddess, I'm such a pathetic loser.." but you keep going anyway.

So despite my recent depression about growing up, Jasmine and Jessie are still having baby issues. I guess this just proves that people below a 'C' average shouldn't have children. Neither of them WANT the baby it seems. They're always going "Oh, Aunt Summer wants you." or "Mama wants you." and handing the baby over like it's a toy and they're done playing. Neither of them put this child first and I feel horrible for the little being they created because Jasmine's already said she regrets him, IN FRONT OF THE BABY! They take off running randomly down the street, leaving the baby crying in their room ALONE, or with someone who doesn't even know how to make a bottle. She has actually SCREAMED at the baby! I mean, she's considering moving in with the baby daddy's mom because she can't live with us. We're not good enough to live with now or something. I don't know. Mom tries to help any ways she can. I mean she was supposed to breast feed, since formula cost like 20 bucks a jar and NEITHER of them have a job. They live here, eat my moms food, my mom pays for EVERYTHING for them, and they just act like it's not good enough. So back to the problem. She was supposed to breast feed, but she decided she didn't want to anymore and mom would just have to buy her formula from then on.

I mean.. Seriously? Sometimes I just can't wait to find a job and get a place of my own, but sometimes I feel horrible for wanting to abandon my mom when I know I'm the reason for her sanity. I mean, I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I baby sit.. I fucking do everything just so she can go to work and keep the bills paid, while Jasmine bitches about never being able to leave the house, and never being able to do anything because she has a baby now. It sickens me. It's getting to the point where I'm seriously going to look at my mom one day and go "Me or them." and I WILL find some place else to go.

Sorry for being all majory bitchy/depressed and shit, but I really needed that off my chest before I exploded.

Life Update!

So this weekend, tomorrow, my family and I are going camping, since it's mom's only free check to do so. We're going to check out this new place, but I still hope I like it. I still haven't found a job yet, but my dad is also taking me around places tomorrow and helping me. I'm really glad he's off the alcohol, this time it looks for good. Jasmine and the baby are fine, Jessie's most likely cheating with this whore Valerie. The baby had thrash but it's all taken care of. Next weekend, I also won't be home because I'll be house sitting for my aunt. She's going to a family reunion and needs someone to keep this jerk face guy out of her house that she invited up to Indiana. I've not been sleeping well. Having weird dreams about the Goddess Hecate, which if you guys didn't know, was known as the "witch Goddess", "virgin Goddess"(Like Artimes), and was really big way long ago. It's a really weird dream to describe.

OH!!! Speaking of weird dreams, before the Hecate ones started in, I had this really awesome one, that I am currently writing down and expanding, turning it into a book. I'll be sure to update you on how thats coming along. Right now I'm just trying to make a character list, names, what I'd want them to look like, so that I can know how they move and fit into my story line. It's of course fictional, sci-fi type of thing, magic and elves and what not.

I know it's not much of an update, but not much has been going on with me. I've actually been pretty relaxed these past couple of weeks, and it pains me to know that my siblings will be going back to school in little over a month, and I well.. won't. It's weird, honestly. I've spent my entire life just trying to make it through school, and now that it's over I'm kind of at a "What the fuck do I do?" time in my life. It's really hard, knowing what I want to do, but not being able to do it until I'm 21, so I have to find things to fill that time. I guess in a couple weeks I'll post another blog and let you all know.

REMMIE LOVES YOU!!!