I'm Okay

So... It's been a while. Since my great grandma died, I've been in and out of 'okay' and 'ready to die'. I'm okay now. For the most part. Been thinking a lot. Gonna turnr 22 this year. Unsure of what to make of it. Lol. It's amazing. I never imagined what it'd be like to be 22. Still haven't found my freedom, yet. Still searching for the heart that got destroyed, but somehow, I'm okay. And I like being okay, for the most part. Sometimes. Jasmine is close to popping baby number 2, and everything is chaos as usual. Got my license, and a car. I miss you, Erick, though I see your FB updates all the time. Seems like you're doing well. Totally jealous =P Just saying. I'm okay.

LOL- Ya'll should find this Hilarious!

One: I got into IUPUI, go me.

Two: Jasmine is pregnant... AGAIN.

Yes.. Jasmine is indeed carrying her second child, which she hopes is a girl. She's back with that thing we're calling 'baby-daddy'. Everyone is angry at her, which is natural... I have this HORRIBLE yet somehow totally dramatic job at a warehouse. I mean like, real live soap opera when I walk into work everyday. Greeeeeeeeat. Oh, and Christmas is around the corner, and I'm so through with Holidays, ya know? I don't even want to exchange gifts, even though I bought everyone something. I mean.. Without her, it's just like blah, and I know how upset she would have been to discover Jasmine's second baby.. Which I guess she conceived around September and waited until November to say anything? Whatevs. How she's gonna take care of two babies, still in school, no job, 'baby-daddy' ain't got no job, and all he's concerned with is getting high or drunk.

I'm trying to find someone to let me drive their car so I can get my license. So I can like.. Ya know, get out of this place. For serious. So ready to just live on the streets. O_O Oh, new Poem.. Heh

Release

I try so hard,

To rid my veins of the black,

The poison illudes me,

The core of my being starting to crack.

Why is it eating me?

Why can't I be free?

Why must it hurt?

Why can no one see?

How I beg and scream,

Yet no one can hear,

Always forcing the facade that all is fine,

This weight, mine alone to bear.

This knife I wish to take,

Cut this poison away,

Yet I know it comes from the deepest part of me,

The tatter edges of my soul all frayed.

How the wounds demand my attention

Salt being rubbed in, pain unable to cease

The final heartbeats,

Death shall be my only release.

Comments or questions? Great. Leave them around for me!

Tonight I contemplated Suicide.

I contemplated suicide tonight,

Because of despair so overwhelming.

I contemplated suicide tonight,

Because you were no longer with me.

It pains me so much to even attempt to let go,

The memories never seem enough.

It kills me to hold it in but if I don't,

I'll surely be crushed.

I thought about swallowing all the pills,

Jumping from heights what would surely kill,

Even running myself through with sharp objects.

I thought long and hard about suicide tonight.

What finally stopped me was you,

The reason for my despair and hurt.

A memory of you, when I was much younger, much more stupid.

I almost wanted to cry, that someone loved me as much as you did.

Remember when you said to me,

"You're special Summer,

The fates have plans for you.

Sometimes they're confusing and hurtful,

sometimes you don't think you can go on,

But never fear, for the fates have something special in store for you."

I thought of that tonight, while I thought about suicide.

Wondering if maybe the fates are through with me.

Thought about how you'd feel if I took this cowards way out.

Thought of how disappointed you'd be.

All things in life, that's one thing I could never purposely do.

I will never purposely do things I know would disappoint you.

You brought me up, loved me when no one else would,

You saw the dark inside me, and brought for the light, not even I myself knew existed.

You took a young child, with a mind so controlable,

Gave her the power of choice over her own life, so many times.

Let her pick at the threads, instead of you doing it for her,

So she could understand the power of choice, and the power of herself.

Tonight, when I thought of suicide, and how I couldn't go on without you,

I remembered, I had to, not only because it would disappoint you,

But because my purpose has yet to come, and I choose to be around to do it.

I choose to live my life, and help people, as you've helped me.

I choose open my heart, and know deep inside I may touch someone so deeply one day,

Almost as much as you've touched me.

I choose to love freely, without any clauses or hidden catches,

As you did for me when I needed it most.

So tonight, while I thought about all the ways I can end this despair,

I remembered the reasons why I must live through it,

Why I can't give in, why I must press forward.

Tonight, my despair reminded me that you changed a life, and that life you changed is worth living.

There's so many things I've left unsaid to you, Mamoo.. So many words and stories I've wanted to tell, but the one thing I've ever said to you, that has meant the most, was "I love you.", because you taught me to love, to open my heart and soul, and feel this way. I hate that you're gone now, unable to hear this, read this, unable to smile at me with that twinkle that lets me know I'm your favorite girl. I know I won't be able to hear you whisper my name when I walk into your house, and see your whole face light up, but I know, I will be making you very proud, as you watch down from that cloud you're relaxing on, because tonight, I choose life.

The Woman Who Never Rested

My great grandmother is currently actively dying. It's hard to say that, without wanting to break down into tears, but I've written something just for her, and felt like sharing. She was an amazing woman, and I was blessed to have known her. I hope you all can see a little of how much she meant with this little poem I wrote.

The Woman Who Never Rested

Many places you have gone,

Much wisdom you had to share,

Though we mourn you now,

We do it because we care.

Your life was rich with love,

Your wisdom heeded well,

You raised many children,

Held secrets you had yet to tell.

You were the head of this family,

The glue between us all.

Though we knew it would happen,

We prayed you'd never fall.

We gather now for you,

As we have before,

Our mother, grandmother, great-grandmother,

Those names you have, but you mean so much more.

Always were you ready,

To take on all our problems and fears,

With words of guidance,

Your love, a balm to sooth our tears.

We can not thank you enough,

For all that you have done,

Helped each of us more,

Because of this, it's to you we'd always come.

Now it's time for you to go,

Meet the one who made you with pleasure.

May he bless you and smile,

Knowing you were the best treasure.

Now the job you held is open,

Though none will have you bested,

For your family with love,

You are the woman who never rested.

Life

So it's been quite a long time. Over a year! A lot has happened. Heh. Needless to say, my younger sister never got married. Love my nephew to death though. Cutest little kid I'll ever see! Umm.. Started playing nodeka on a serious level again. I have a job. A stable, paying.. Job. xD I think I actually enjoy it. How amusing huh? My co-workers aren't entirely horrible, and some can even be amusing. It takes up a lot of my time, so I enjoy not always being at home. I haven't written anything new recently, though I should soon. I can feel it building. Go figure. ^^ I'm mostly happy these days. Paying bills, sleeping, working, spoiling my nephew who is turning 2! Gods above, time seems to fly with children.

First post of 2010

So I've been out at my aunt's house all week. Going home Monday. Not really excited. When I get home, I know all I'm going to feel is alone and used. Stupid, ya know? Been thinking about my life a lot lately, and not in the 'Oh, I wish I was dead' way either. Kinda like "What would it be like if I had been born somewhere else?" way, and I realize how much worse off I could be. Yet, still I have the urge to run, and never return home. It's irrational. I mean, I've never felt such a restlessness in my soul, and it eats at me, knowing one day, I'm going to break my mother's heart in two. Though, a song kind of fits my life right now. It's by Lady Antebellum. Called 'I Need You Now'. I'ma post the lyrics, it's really good.

I Need You Now
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now


Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
To me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

I just need you now

Ooo, baby, I need you now

So yea.. Don't know who I need, but I hope they realize they're who I need.. So stupid of a wish.

The Real Vampire Book

Ok, so that's not the title, but I haven't figured out what to call it yet. Just figured that would do, for now. It's how I'm referencing it. So, read, comment, whatev? Let me know how it goes, pretty please.

The Real Vampire

Contrary to popular belief, real vampires don’t live forever and they can reproduce. ‘What is a vampire?’ one might ask. Well, after many scientific studies, we (the government) have found them to be humans, with a rare disease. This disease sends out special enzymes in the blood, causing the victim to age slowly, gain superior speed, strength, sense of smell, sight, and hearing.

Some rare cases have developed within the studies willing participants, of telekinesis, clairvoyance, and double vision, or the seeing of the ‘spirit realm’. These beings do tend to live for a long time, due to the slow aging process. One can not tell the difference between ‘vampire’ and human unless trained.

The most notable characteristic so far, in the ‘blood sucking’ victims is the lengthened canines or ‘fangs’. On this note, it is known that there are different branches of this disease. So far, only three have been found. The sangarian, are the type who need to feed on blood. The Psychic are the kind who need to feed on energy. Then, even rarer than the other two, are the psychic sangarian. Those who can feed on both energy and blood.

Being that ‘vampires’ are just human’s with a disease, they are not harmed by crosses, holy water, or garlic. Obviously, a stake through the heart can kill a human, so therefore can kill a vampire. They are not harmed by daylight, though their eyes are very sensitive to it. They do tend to be ‘night owls’ since the moonlight is better on their sight.

Chapter One

It all started when we had to move…. Again. Packing up my life, deciding what got to go and what got to stay. Easy and hard at the same time. My childhood crutch, a glass doll named Lucy, obviously stayed. Most of my care bears on the other hand, had to go. My mom always had to move after a couple years. We were a restless family. Granted it was only her, my father and I, we were always on the move. Didn’t bother me most of the time, I was anti-social.

Oh, yea, let me introduce myself. I’m Selena Romaneza. 5’5” blond, about 135 pounds, two wonderful and loving parents, one best friend, no animals. I’m a senior in high school, I play on the softball team, and at night I work for the FBI, hunting down renegade vampires. Seriously. See, my mom and dad are both witches. Born and bred for the simple act of hunting down the few ‘vampires’ that want to kill humanity off.

Sounds scary, eh? Not really. See, vampires are actually humans with a disease. A disease that spreads by biting people and exchanging blood. They’re not the scary monsters Hollywood makes them out to be, and they don’t sparkle like in Twilight. Nor are they amazingly beautiful. Well some are, I mean, they are human. The disease only slows the aging process and fine tunes the senses. Some vampires, special ones, do develop ‘powers’ but it’s any that humans can be born with or develop. Then again, this isn’t quite as important yet.

So, we were moving, following a vampire family we had been hunting since I was first bitten at the age of 5. The Seretagi family. This family had resided in Indiana now for 7 years, so my family had stuck around. Now they had suddenly up and moved, and we had to follow. “Mom, this is bull! I don’t want to go. I have a semi-normal life! I’m graduating, I have a best friend.” I hissed, even as I scraped off the dinner dishes, my green eyes burning brightly. She just shook her head, giving me a glare, the signal not to talk about it with Alexandra in the house.

Alexandra, my best friend. My only friend, I would have to leave behind. She had broken through my shell in 8th grade and now I had to leave her behind. She was actually having dinner and staying the night with me tonight, being that it was my family’s last one in town. “Not right now, Selena.” she said, turning away and heading for the back door. Mom and dad would hunt tonight while Alex and I stayed and cried about my moving away.

Just as my mom turned at the door, Alex joined my in the kitchen by the sink, a two liter in one hand and a bag of popcorn in the next. “Have fun girls. Don’t stay up too late.” my mother said, offering her prize winning smile. Alex ate up the act, my dad finally making his entrance. He came to me, kissing me on my forehead, then joined mom. “Be good.” he said, then they were both gone.

“What shall we do first?” Alex asked, barely containing her tears. She bit her lip, trying hard to be strong. I felt my heart sink, not wanting to leave but knowing I had no other choice. “Movies, play the Wii, or DDR?” she added, giving me the options we had picked out previously. “Twilight, DDR, then Wii, if we’re not too busy crying.” I decided, grinning as I waited for her groan.