I began to wonder

The blood that flows within my veins,
The betrayer of all that I am.
What makes me wonder deep into the night,
Why I continue to stand.

This feeling growing ever so near,
The pain it brings
Fear becoming ever clear.
I don't belong.

I know now, what I search for
Tis a life that doesn't belong to me.
Happiness is a lie
Death is everyone's destiny.

We fight for life
Though pitiful it is,
Daily I wonder what forces me to move
Never realizing it was them

Those cells that screw everyone up
Make us believe what we're not
Bring us health and sickness
The blood that is ours

It makes us yearn for misery
Beg for emptiness
Scream for more pain
Sigh once our conscious has faded.

No, I'm not going to kill myself, no I don't want to tell 50 different IM's whats wrong. No, I don't want to talk, and no, I don't want to cry anymore. I just.. had to let it out.. So don't message me with a bunch of "Don't kill yourself." bullshit, I'm not suicidal, just upset. It's normal. As I said to my aunt today, "Aunt Tina, I'm a fat, ugly woman.. no one would want to rape me if given the chance... If you'd people learn to accept that, I'd be a hell of a lot better off."

This is truly how I see myself, so I also don't want a bunch of "You're beautiful!" "I'd rape you!" messages, because no matter how many times you people say it.. I won't believe it, nor will I accept it. I just have to unload type of thing, and what better place than a journal. A journal that if someone is randomly browsing, they'll tell me to quit being Emo and go cut already or just shut the fuck up. Well to those people, who actually want to spit bullshit from their asses, take it elsewhere, because what you say doesn't matter! You go around commenting on random people's journals to make yourself feel better because you have nothing better to do, and by pretending you do, you get off. Well go the fuck away. Thanks for my friends being there, it means more than you can imagine. Sorry if I upset you, but it's how I feel. It's not going to change, and I'm not going to change. It's who I am, and if you can't get over it, go the fuck on, and don't bitch at me..

So apparently, I don't count to my mother. I mean, I've been through hell and back for this woman, almost ruined my life for her, and still she's ignoring how I feel. Still she basically tells me that I'm no longer important due to the fact that my sister popped out a kid. I hate knowing, that what I had to say used to be important to her, but now that Jasmine had a kid, what I say is wrong. It's wrong for me to bitch about Jasmine leaving her kids shitty diapers around the house, and bottles that leak nasty formula thats been sitting out for days. It's wrong for me to be pissed off that every time I try and say something to Jasmine about her nasty/idiotic/irresponsible behavior, that I'M WRONG, when it's her kid thats sick, and out on a busy street at 2 am in the morning. I'm wrong in bitching about the dead beat dad who doesn't fucking do anything for the kid. I'm wrong, to be upset, and I'm nothing but a "jealous ass". I'm just tired of my mom saying "Well, we're going to do this, or going to do this." and then Jasmine Leigh throws a fit, and all of a sudden it doesn't happen. I'm tired of always being told that I'm wrong, when I know Jasmine Leigh is. I mean, she shoves off her kid on ANYONE because she really doesn't want him, and my mom apparently is perfectly ok with it. Oh, and I'm in the wrong, that when I wanted to go to a job training class, I couldn't, because Jasmine Leigh had to do something else, and now suddenly it's "You're sister's trying to get a job, and you're not doing anything, Summer Dawn!" Well, maybe I'd be able to fucking do something if the damn woman would quit kissing the ground Jasmine walks on. I probably do sound jealous, but I'm mostly hurt, that now that my mom has her first grandchild, none of her other children matter. I'm tired of watching her loose what backbone she has to a fucking 16 year old child who does nothing but break my mother in two. My father, the only one who appears to care anymore, is nearly ready to leave. It sounds weird, but after not having him so long, then suddenly having him, I'm not sure if I can survive loosing him this time. I'm not sure I can survive this. Her shoving me away like yesterdays garbage. Sure, I'm plenty of fun when Jasmine, Jessie, and the baby isn't around, but when they come home, suddenly mom doesn't give a shit what I do. I could tell her I'm going to go blow my brains out and she'd just wave her hand, nodding and saying "Ok.." Don't get me wrong, I have Amber, Scott, and Mark.. but at the end of the day.. It just hurts so bad. My heart has even began to have a physical ache for the closeness that used to be my mother and me. I thought, as a mother, you're supposed to divide your time equally, but lately she's so Jasmine/baby orientated, that it's sickening. Oh, it's perfectly ok for Jessie to be a pot smoking, food thieving, dead beat dad, but for me NOT to clean the kitchen, it's almost a cardinal sin. I can't do anything right anymore, and it hurts.. it hurts so badly, to know that for once in my life, my mother is pissed off at me for being right and her being wrong, so she twists it and makes me feel like a horrible daughter. I hate how she manipulates me into feeling like by not being a wall decoration I'm a horrible person.

Why can't she see what she's doing to me?
Why can't she listen without making me feel like a piece of garbage?
Why can't she see she's shoving me away?
Why aren't I good enough anymore?
Why does it hurt so much?
Why can't I just leave?
Why do I force myself to stay someplace that just stabs me?
Why can't I stop caring?

Life's updates~

So, I found out that while I was away at my aunts for this week, attempting to unwind and breathe, my little sister was being a bitch (no surprise) BUT she purposely broke the phone, throwing it into the street. Jessie attempted to take the baby, saying Mom and Jasmine we're ever going to see it again. Jasmine once more threatened to leave. Mom once more kicked Jessie out and told Jasmine she wasn't supplying for her child anymore. Jessie decided I was a fat, lazy whore who never did anything. The house hasn't been cleaned since I left Sunday, because I'm everyone's maid and they can't pick up after their selves. Jasmine threw the baby at Amber and Scott, leaving it there with them, while she went off to god knows where to find Jessie. Apparently when I'm not home, the house falls apart. It's quite horrible, really, and I have to go back and once more become the glue that attempts to hold my family together, while once more job searching, hoping something comes up, so I can hop out of this state and away from all this BULLSHIT.

I guess this is how it's always going to be though. I mean, if I'm being honest and realistic with myself, I'll realize that I'll never move away, and I'll always be bound here by the bonds of the family whom I'm not really attached to. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother to death and would give my very life for her, but it's to the point, where I could walk away from Jasmine being tortured to death without second thought. She throws her child on ANYONE around, simply because she doesn't want to be a parent, and Jessie abandons both of them, preferring dugs and being beaten. So when I go home tomorrow, I don't know how long I can last without being put in jail for accidentally murdering the stupid people of my family. It's almost as if all their common sense has left them, or they never had it at all.