The Real Vampire Book

Ok, so that's not the title, but I haven't figured out what to call it yet. Just figured that would do, for now. It's how I'm referencing it. So, read, comment, whatev? Let me know how it goes, pretty please.

The Real Vampire

Contrary to popular belief, real vampires don’t live forever and they can reproduce. ‘What is a vampire?’ one might ask. Well, after many scientific studies, we (the government) have found them to be humans, with a rare disease. This disease sends out special enzymes in the blood, causing the victim to age slowly, gain superior speed, strength, sense of smell, sight, and hearing.

Some rare cases have developed within the studies willing participants, of telekinesis, clairvoyance, and double vision, or the seeing of the ‘spirit realm’. These beings do tend to live for a long time, due to the slow aging process. One can not tell the difference between ‘vampire’ and human unless trained.

The most notable characteristic so far, in the ‘blood sucking’ victims is the lengthened canines or ‘fangs’. On this note, it is known that there are different branches of this disease. So far, only three have been found. The sangarian, are the type who need to feed on blood. The Psychic are the kind who need to feed on energy. Then, even rarer than the other two, are the psychic sangarian. Those who can feed on both energy and blood.

Being that ‘vampires’ are just human’s with a disease, they are not harmed by crosses, holy water, or garlic. Obviously, a stake through the heart can kill a human, so therefore can kill a vampire. They are not harmed by daylight, though their eyes are very sensitive to it. They do tend to be ‘night owls’ since the moonlight is better on their sight.

Chapter One

It all started when we had to move…. Again. Packing up my life, deciding what got to go and what got to stay. Easy and hard at the same time. My childhood crutch, a glass doll named Lucy, obviously stayed. Most of my care bears on the other hand, had to go. My mom always had to move after a couple years. We were a restless family. Granted it was only her, my father and I, we were always on the move. Didn’t bother me most of the time, I was anti-social.

Oh, yea, let me introduce myself. I’m Selena Romaneza. 5’5” blond, about 135 pounds, two wonderful and loving parents, one best friend, no animals. I’m a senior in high school, I play on the softball team, and at night I work for the FBI, hunting down renegade vampires. Seriously. See, my mom and dad are both witches. Born and bred for the simple act of hunting down the few ‘vampires’ that want to kill humanity off.

Sounds scary, eh? Not really. See, vampires are actually humans with a disease. A disease that spreads by biting people and exchanging blood. They’re not the scary monsters Hollywood makes them out to be, and they don’t sparkle like in Twilight. Nor are they amazingly beautiful. Well some are, I mean, they are human. The disease only slows the aging process and fine tunes the senses. Some vampires, special ones, do develop ‘powers’ but it’s any that humans can be born with or develop. Then again, this isn’t quite as important yet.

So, we were moving, following a vampire family we had been hunting since I was first bitten at the age of 5. The Seretagi family. This family had resided in Indiana now for 7 years, so my family had stuck around. Now they had suddenly up and moved, and we had to follow. “Mom, this is bull! I don’t want to go. I have a semi-normal life! I’m graduating, I have a best friend.” I hissed, even as I scraped off the dinner dishes, my green eyes burning brightly. She just shook her head, giving me a glare, the signal not to talk about it with Alexandra in the house.

Alexandra, my best friend. My only friend, I would have to leave behind. She had broken through my shell in 8th grade and now I had to leave her behind. She was actually having dinner and staying the night with me tonight, being that it was my family’s last one in town. “Not right now, Selena.” she said, turning away and heading for the back door. Mom and dad would hunt tonight while Alex and I stayed and cried about my moving away.

Just as my mom turned at the door, Alex joined my in the kitchen by the sink, a two liter in one hand and a bag of popcorn in the next. “Have fun girls. Don’t stay up too late.” my mother said, offering her prize winning smile. Alex ate up the act, my dad finally making his entrance. He came to me, kissing me on my forehead, then joined mom. “Be good.” he said, then they were both gone.

“What shall we do first?” Alex asked, barely containing her tears. She bit her lip, trying hard to be strong. I felt my heart sink, not wanting to leave but knowing I had no other choice. “Movies, play the Wii, or DDR?” she added, giving me the options we had picked out previously. “Twilight, DDR, then Wii, if we’re not too busy crying.” I decided, grinning as I waited for her groan.

Jasmine update!

So, as many of you may already know, Jasmine was arrested last Friday, for disorderly conduct. Well, the released her, and she has 90 days formal probation. She has to listen to everything mom says, or she goes back to Juvie and the baby is put into Mom's custody. She (Jasmine) has to pay 45 dollars a week, and has to have I think 20 hours of community service set up by tomorrow. She doesn't have it set up by the way. So, tonight, Mom informed us of new rules, and Jasmine threw a fit as usual. She sent the baby off with Jessie 'permanently'. She told Mom that she no longer has a grandson.

So, Jasmine decided to go on about our father, who used to be an alcoholic. He's recovering and apologized many times over for how he acted in the past. Now all you hear from her is "I'm going to get a restraining order against him." when he's done NOTHING but help mom provide for JASMINE's kid. She thinks "I have it so hard here. I have to go to school, take care of a kid, provide for the kid (That which she doesn't do thanks to wic and mom)." She enjoys trying to get people to yell at her in front of her own kid while she's screaming at the top of her lungs like a lunatic. Seriously, my mother buys diapers, wipes, formula, and pays the damn babysitter. All she asks Jasmine to do is go to school and come home, do her homework, then take care of HER own kid. I would think she has it pretty fucking easy, eh? I don't know, maybe there's just something wrong with the situation. Perhaps she's angry that everything's being done for her? I don't know, but I know I'm watching her rip out my mothers heart.

I know I've bitched a lot in the past about how my mom was pulling away from me, and she was, until Jasmine started to use her hard and mom realized it. I really feel bad for my mom sometimes, as I realize how hard it is to have 4 kids, and to have three gang up on one. I kind of feel bad for the way I acted now, watching how Jasmine is tearing bits of mom of without regard to her declining health. Jasmine actually had the nerve to attack and injure MOM, Friday, and then tell the cops it was MOM who was BEATING Jasmine, even though she didn't have a single mark on her pale body. I feel bad sometimes, for saying this, but Jasmine really does need to be arrested. Hopefully they'll put her in a mental health hospital, because she's not honestly fit for society.

Guess thats it for now. I'll keep you guys updated when I can. Thanks to all my friends for being here for me, and listening to me bitch when I need it. Sorry if this journal is like super long. And to think, this is the condensed version. xD

I began to wonder

The blood that flows within my veins,
The betrayer of all that I am.
What makes me wonder deep into the night,
Why I continue to stand.

This feeling growing ever so near,
The pain it brings
Fear becoming ever clear.
I don't belong.

I know now, what I search for
Tis a life that doesn't belong to me.
Happiness is a lie
Death is everyone's destiny.

We fight for life
Though pitiful it is,
Daily I wonder what forces me to move
Never realizing it was them

Those cells that screw everyone up
Make us believe what we're not
Bring us health and sickness
The blood that is ours

It makes us yearn for misery
Beg for emptiness
Scream for more pain
Sigh once our conscious has faded.

No, I'm not going to kill myself, no I don't want to tell 50 different IM's whats wrong. No, I don't want to talk, and no, I don't want to cry anymore. I just.. had to let it out.. So don't message me with a bunch of "Don't kill yourself." bullshit, I'm not suicidal, just upset. It's normal. As I said to my aunt today, "Aunt Tina, I'm a fat, ugly woman.. no one would want to rape me if given the chance... If you'd people learn to accept that, I'd be a hell of a lot better off."

This is truly how I see myself, so I also don't want a bunch of "You're beautiful!" "I'd rape you!" messages, because no matter how many times you people say it.. I won't believe it, nor will I accept it. I just have to unload type of thing, and what better place than a journal. A journal that if someone is randomly browsing, they'll tell me to quit being Emo and go cut already or just shut the fuck up. Well to those people, who actually want to spit bullshit from their asses, take it elsewhere, because what you say doesn't matter! You go around commenting on random people's journals to make yourself feel better because you have nothing better to do, and by pretending you do, you get off. Well go the fuck away. Thanks for my friends being there, it means more than you can imagine. Sorry if I upset you, but it's how I feel. It's not going to change, and I'm not going to change. It's who I am, and if you can't get over it, go the fuck on, and don't bitch at me..

So apparently, I don't count to my mother. I mean, I've been through hell and back for this woman, almost ruined my life for her, and still she's ignoring how I feel. Still she basically tells me that I'm no longer important due to the fact that my sister popped out a kid. I hate knowing, that what I had to say used to be important to her, but now that Jasmine had a kid, what I say is wrong. It's wrong for me to bitch about Jasmine leaving her kids shitty diapers around the house, and bottles that leak nasty formula thats been sitting out for days. It's wrong for me to be pissed off that every time I try and say something to Jasmine about her nasty/idiotic/irresponsible behavior, that I'M WRONG, when it's her kid thats sick, and out on a busy street at 2 am in the morning. I'm wrong in bitching about the dead beat dad who doesn't fucking do anything for the kid. I'm wrong, to be upset, and I'm nothing but a "jealous ass". I'm just tired of my mom saying "Well, we're going to do this, or going to do this." and then Jasmine Leigh throws a fit, and all of a sudden it doesn't happen. I'm tired of always being told that I'm wrong, when I know Jasmine Leigh is. I mean, she shoves off her kid on ANYONE because she really doesn't want him, and my mom apparently is perfectly ok with it. Oh, and I'm in the wrong, that when I wanted to go to a job training class, I couldn't, because Jasmine Leigh had to do something else, and now suddenly it's "You're sister's trying to get a job, and you're not doing anything, Summer Dawn!" Well, maybe I'd be able to fucking do something if the damn woman would quit kissing the ground Jasmine walks on. I probably do sound jealous, but I'm mostly hurt, that now that my mom has her first grandchild, none of her other children matter. I'm tired of watching her loose what backbone she has to a fucking 16 year old child who does nothing but break my mother in two. My father, the only one who appears to care anymore, is nearly ready to leave. It sounds weird, but after not having him so long, then suddenly having him, I'm not sure if I can survive loosing him this time. I'm not sure I can survive this. Her shoving me away like yesterdays garbage. Sure, I'm plenty of fun when Jasmine, Jessie, and the baby isn't around, but when they come home, suddenly mom doesn't give a shit what I do. I could tell her I'm going to go blow my brains out and she'd just wave her hand, nodding and saying "Ok.." Don't get me wrong, I have Amber, Scott, and Mark.. but at the end of the day.. It just hurts so bad. My heart has even began to have a physical ache for the closeness that used to be my mother and me. I thought, as a mother, you're supposed to divide your time equally, but lately she's so Jasmine/baby orientated, that it's sickening. Oh, it's perfectly ok for Jessie to be a pot smoking, food thieving, dead beat dad, but for me NOT to clean the kitchen, it's almost a cardinal sin. I can't do anything right anymore, and it hurts.. it hurts so badly, to know that for once in my life, my mother is pissed off at me for being right and her being wrong, so she twists it and makes me feel like a horrible daughter. I hate how she manipulates me into feeling like by not being a wall decoration I'm a horrible person.

Why can't she see what she's doing to me?
Why can't she listen without making me feel like a piece of garbage?
Why can't she see she's shoving me away?
Why aren't I good enough anymore?
Why does it hurt so much?
Why can't I just leave?
Why do I force myself to stay someplace that just stabs me?
Why can't I stop caring?

Life's updates~

So, I found out that while I was away at my aunts for this week, attempting to unwind and breathe, my little sister was being a bitch (no surprise) BUT she purposely broke the phone, throwing it into the street. Jessie attempted to take the baby, saying Mom and Jasmine we're ever going to see it again. Jasmine once more threatened to leave. Mom once more kicked Jessie out and told Jasmine she wasn't supplying for her child anymore. Jessie decided I was a fat, lazy whore who never did anything. The house hasn't been cleaned since I left Sunday, because I'm everyone's maid and they can't pick up after their selves. Jasmine threw the baby at Amber and Scott, leaving it there with them, while she went off to god knows where to find Jessie. Apparently when I'm not home, the house falls apart. It's quite horrible, really, and I have to go back and once more become the glue that attempts to hold my family together, while once more job searching, hoping something comes up, so I can hop out of this state and away from all this BULLSHIT.

I guess this is how it's always going to be though. I mean, if I'm being honest and realistic with myself, I'll realize that I'll never move away, and I'll always be bound here by the bonds of the family whom I'm not really attached to. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother to death and would give my very life for her, but it's to the point, where I could walk away from Jasmine being tortured to death without second thought. She throws her child on ANYONE around, simply because she doesn't want to be a parent, and Jessie abandons both of them, preferring dugs and being beaten. So when I go home tomorrow, I don't know how long I can last without being put in jail for accidentally murdering the stupid people of my family. It's almost as if all their common sense has left them, or they never had it at all.

How can I help you to say goodbye-Patty Loveless

Blood, the eternal drink
That which brings life and death
Hope and wonder
The secret ever kept

What can you find in mine?
Memories once past,
Desires burning like fire,
Slow decent into a deteriorating death.

Show not what can be, but what is
Be not what you want, but what you are
Prove to yourself once more you deserve
The eternal drink in your veins

Watch it slide down my arm
Pale skin stained red,
Breath fading away,
Let none wonder why, only what they shall pay

This death is sweet yet oh so harsh,
New and yet oh so old.
To go before you are told,
To take fate within your own hands and blade.

Allow none to pass judgment,
For shall they too take the plunge.
Allow none within your heart,
For shall they too fear the walk.

Once one has done what one must do,
The scar is there, a quick reminder of what is you
Your goal is clear, finish what was started,
Tell none your ambitions, for they will stop you.

Heed my warning, don’t take their pill,
Their mind games they play make you more ill
Remind yourself the life to come,
Do us all a favor and be less than one.

That which we all live for

When the truth unfolds,
And her world shatters,
Who will save her from herself?
Only few know how much she will be battered.

We all seek that which we can not have,
Happiness.
We all know we’ll never have it,
So why do we live?

I know why we live.
We live for we’re too scared to die
But that’s all we live for really.
Death.

Such a horrific thought to some,
Yet to others,
Such an alluring song.
Which can you hear?

Will your fear and animalistic behavior stop you?
Will you fight for a life that in the end,
Doesn’t belong to you?
Can you imagine dying?

In a way, we all are
Everyday, every minute, your life wastes away.
We all live to die,
It’s how it’s meant to be

There are some,
The precious few,
Who already are half way dead,
And they see what the scared can not.

Will you listen?
Will you see?
Can you feel?
How hopeless it must be.

I have no friggin clue, don't ask. It's just.. whatever.. Comments? Thoughts? Am I too morbid?

Drama xD

So apparently it's alright for my sister to dirty up my clean kitchen, order me around like a dog. Oh, it's also apparently okay for Amber and fucking Scott to wrestle on my bed when they know thats where my laptop is, knock it off, so class cuts into the screen. No one fucking cares, and they don't even have the fucking decency to fucking tell me. I mean, it's not BADLY damaged, I can still use it, and the screen just has a little COUPLE of grooves in it. Oh and down by the bottom the silver stuff apparently cracked off. I'm scared to look at the bottom of the laptop. So fucking rude.

I'm seriously getting tired of these people just basically taking advantage of me and using me.. I mean, fuck! They sleep over here all the time because their parents won't let them, they have their own fucking bed, the least they could do is keep the fuck off my shit, but no..

And god forbid we fucking say anything to Jasmine, who by the way, pawns the kid off on fucking ANYONE just so she doesn't have to deal with him. I seriously need a job so that I can just leave.. Fuck, I'd go anywhere right now.. I'm so sick of all this bullshit, and I just keep fucking taking it because it's my family and I hate fucking being alone..

Sometimes, I don't even want to wake up. I pray that I die in my sleep so I don't have to go through one more damn day of this nut house, but I always wake up, and I always fucking take it.. Guess thats never going to change, and why should it? I'm the first born, I'm supposed to act good, and do as I'm told. I'm the perfect little angel, the one thats never hurt, the one that never cries, or cares... The invisible one.. Hehe...

Updates, updates, updates

So sometimes I just can't believe that everything has passed. The other day my siblings got their school registration stuff in the mail, and I actually went to look for the one with my name on it, only to remember, I graduated. I died inside, wanting so badly to go back. I can't believe that I'm now facing the rest of my life, as an adult. That "There's always school!" security is gone. I won't be able to hang with Amber during Government (she was the only thing that made the class bearable) or see Erick, or Omar. I just feel so blank inside these days, knowing that I don't even want college, knowing that I want to be a trucker. It's kinda hard. Knowing what I want but not being able to reach for it till I'm twenty one. Another thing. In a couple months, I turn 19. It just seems too big. Too much at once. My mom always said "They grow up fast." and I never realized how fast I was growing up until now. It's crazy, how it all starts to hit you. First you graduate, then if you don't have a job, you need one. Then.. just.. BAM, you realize, it's over. You look at your life and all you can think is "Goddess, I'm such a pathetic loser.." but you keep going anyway.

So despite my recent depression about growing up, Jasmine and Jessie are still having baby issues. I guess this just proves that people below a 'C' average shouldn't have children. Neither of them WANT the baby it seems. They're always going "Oh, Aunt Summer wants you." or "Mama wants you." and handing the baby over like it's a toy and they're done playing. Neither of them put this child first and I feel horrible for the little being they created because Jasmine's already said she regrets him, IN FRONT OF THE BABY! They take off running randomly down the street, leaving the baby crying in their room ALONE, or with someone who doesn't even know how to make a bottle. She has actually SCREAMED at the baby! I mean, she's considering moving in with the baby daddy's mom because she can't live with us. We're not good enough to live with now or something. I don't know. Mom tries to help any ways she can. I mean she was supposed to breast feed, since formula cost like 20 bucks a jar and NEITHER of them have a job. They live here, eat my moms food, my mom pays for EVERYTHING for them, and they just act like it's not good enough. So back to the problem. She was supposed to breast feed, but she decided she didn't want to anymore and mom would just have to buy her formula from then on.

I mean.. Seriously? Sometimes I just can't wait to find a job and get a place of my own, but sometimes I feel horrible for wanting to abandon my mom when I know I'm the reason for her sanity. I mean, I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I baby sit.. I fucking do everything just so she can go to work and keep the bills paid, while Jasmine bitches about never being able to leave the house, and never being able to do anything because she has a baby now. It sickens me. It's getting to the point where I'm seriously going to look at my mom one day and go "Me or them." and I WILL find some place else to go.

Sorry for being all majory bitchy/depressed and shit, but I really needed that off my chest before I exploded.

Life Update!

So this weekend, tomorrow, my family and I are going camping, since it's mom's only free check to do so. We're going to check out this new place, but I still hope I like it. I still haven't found a job yet, but my dad is also taking me around places tomorrow and helping me. I'm really glad he's off the alcohol, this time it looks for good. Jasmine and the baby are fine, Jessie's most likely cheating with this whore Valerie. The baby had thrash but it's all taken care of. Next weekend, I also won't be home because I'll be house sitting for my aunt. She's going to a family reunion and needs someone to keep this jerk face guy out of her house that she invited up to Indiana. I've not been sleeping well. Having weird dreams about the Goddess Hecate, which if you guys didn't know, was known as the "witch Goddess", "virgin Goddess"(Like Artimes), and was really big way long ago. It's a really weird dream to describe.

OH!!! Speaking of weird dreams, before the Hecate ones started in, I had this really awesome one, that I am currently writing down and expanding, turning it into a book. I'll be sure to update you on how thats coming along. Right now I'm just trying to make a character list, names, what I'd want them to look like, so that I can know how they move and fit into my story line. It's of course fictional, sci-fi type of thing, magic and elves and what not.

I know it's not much of an update, but not much has been going on with me. I've actually been pretty relaxed these past couple of weeks, and it pains me to know that my siblings will be going back to school in little over a month, and I well.. won't. It's weird, honestly. I've spent my entire life just trying to make it through school, and now that it's over I'm kind of at a "What the fuck do I do?" time in my life. It's really hard, knowing what I want to do, but not being able to do it until I'm 21, so I have to find things to fill that time. I guess in a couple weeks I'll post another blog and let you all know.

REMMIE LOVES YOU!!!

Upates

Jasmine had her kid today! Jessie had to be FOUND since he refused to be at his mothers. What a surprise there! Not. He's healthy, and apparently has BIG feet. I wasn't there because my mom and sister left at 3 AM and he was born at 9:45 AM. They're still at the hospital and enjoying that new baby smell. I can't actually believe he's hear. Since they weren't married, she was unable to name him "Jessie Allen Sleek the Second" (Thank god!)

I'm NOT going to college, IMMEDIATELY. That doesn't mean I won't ever, but I found my true passion in life. I am going into the work force until I'm 21, then I'm going to trucking school to be a trucker. They make a hell of a lot of money, and it allows me a lot of me time while driving, and it's all over the country. Obviously, with how I've been freaking before, you'd think that I'd have lost my mind, but it's a more respectable line of work than many think. Hehe, thats all the updates I have FOR now. Once I see the baby, I'll put pics EVERYWHERE and put links here.

OMG An update? Not possible

Alright, so it's been a while. I know, shame on me! I read your blogs Erick, and oh-my-gosh I miss you. I wish I was musically talented like you. Maybe then we'd be closer. Not a lot has been happening with me. I've been sick a lot lately. Also, I've been out at my aunt's house on the weekends, to escape the pregnant nightmare. Jessie hasn't been around so much, so it's not that bad.

Oh, a Ryan update! He's currently at Camp Attaberry, yes the military base. Yes, I'm totally pissed off, but so not telling him yet. My mom and aunt are SLIGHTLY unhappy about our relationship, but they don't say much. I'm not quite certain how to approach him about the military life. I don't want to be a military wife, and always traveling, never being able to settle down. I just don't want that. I also don't want to hold my breath everyday, and wait to see if he's been shot, or being shipped over seas. My mom and aunt don't quite understand, but I won't live like that. I want to be able to put down my roots, open my bookstore, and create a family.

I'm still eventually planning on moving to Moonbeam, Canada. Weird, I know, but it's what I want, so I shall have it. Even if I have to be a hobo to get it. My life is getting way weird lately though. I haven't been eating properly (worry about that later), I appear to have taken up a clean freak attitude, I've been reading more books than I can count! It's just crazy. I don't even feel real half the time anymore. I don't even really talk to people. Maybe I'm just becoming antisocial. Psh, nevermind, I already was.

My dad used to be an alcoholic, but now he's adicated to gambling. He takes his whole pay check to a casino and spends it all, then wants my mom to do the same. I don't think he realizes that we have bills to pay, and people to clothe, and mouth's to feed in our house. He's a complete dumbass and I just don't understand how any one person can be so selfish. I know this is going to sound bad, but I think Jasmine might be as bad as him.

I've been playing with tarot cards recently. Well not exactly playing, but doing readings. It's been forever since I've done it for my mom, but I'm scared to do hers. It's complicated, to say the least. I know a simple 3 cards spread, then I know the English spread, my friend Blaise taught me. So Erick, let me know if you want me to tell you your future.

<3 Much love to you Erick, and anyone else whom may come across and read this. I'll try and update more, Promise!

Summer needs to update more

So, I've been extremely neglectful lately.. I'm sorry. Not that anyone reads this other than Erick, but still. Ok, so a while ago I said that my 15 year old sister is pregnant. Well guess what... SHE'S HAVING A BOY!!!!!!! Also, at like 3 Am this morning she went to the hospital because of a uniery (I can't spell to save my life) tract infection. They have her taking antibiotics 4 times a day. It's why I'm not in school again today, that, and my stomach decided to be a witch and make me puke. Total gross. 

I've had not so good time this week, but I did get to talk to Ryan and might be going to see him soon!!! He's the sweetest guy I've ever met in my life, and I just love him way too much.. His phone got shut off, so I've been worried sick, but he got on myspace last night (yes, I said myspace! DEAL WITH IT!!) and magically he was on at the same time (Sadly just using his friends computer so we couldn't talk MUCH). I miss him like crazy, and can't stop thinking about him nearly all the damn time. Sometimes I'm a little freaked out about it.. but... not freaked out at the same time. 

My cats have decided that I'm their chew toy when I go to sleep at night. Some nights I don't feel it, others I do.. I've been having nightmares like crazy these days. Someones always dying in my dreams. It's kinda scary. I hate it. I hardly ever sleep, because I'm scared I'm going to see someone die, and then when I do sleep, I some how manage to wake up paralyzed with fear and whimpering. The few nights I don't have nightmares, I sleep so heavily that I usually don't hear my alarm clock. I'm thinking I should talk to a doctor about this, because it's really beginning to rack my nerves, but we don't have time for that right now. We don't even have time for me to go to the eye doctor. It's crappy. I'm attempting to look for a job, but with the economy like it is, I wish myself luck everytime I go online or walk up to places. I mean, for some odd reason, God obviously doesn't want me to work. Or he just hates me.. Maybe a little of both.. But yea.. Just wanted to give an update. I'm going to go lay down after getting Zoey off to school. Mucho Grande love for joo all!

He makes me happy…

So I don’t know what love is, but I’ve heard a lot about it, and read a lot. I wonder if this is what I have… I mean I know love with the family and stuff.. But this love is different.. Though I’m not sure if it’s love… I really, really like him… So like everyone’s all “Love is fast and bright like lightning…” but I’m not sure if that’s true… I like to imagine that love is warm, and slow in growing.. It’s being able to lay on the phone for hours and find ways to fill it… it’s continuing to learn everything you can about somebody, even after spending a long time with them.. It’s a soft warm glow that fills you to the brim with hope and happiness.. It’s holding their hand and knowing that though it’s not enough, it kinda is. It’s being happy that they’re happy, and feeling safe in their arms… It’s soft, and gentle, filling your heart, making you smile for no reason, thinking about a person so much that you worry, it’s thinking about a conversation and giggling for no reason, sometimes scaring people because you won’t explain. It’s being accepted for who you are, not matter what, and finally accepting yourself.. It’s feeling like you belong somewhere instead of just floating around and not really being anything..

This thing deep inside
Grows with every conversation
I’m not sure what to call it
But it’s warm and comforting

I think about it, and you, a lot
I must admit, sometimes it’s scary
You can make me smile,
When all I think of is crying

You can make me laugh,
And that just makes it bigger
This deep warmth
This softly glowing light inside of me

I’m not sure what this is
But I can’t imagine my life without it
Especially now, I can’t imagine losing you
I can’t imagine not talking to you

I can’t imagine laughing without you
I can’t imagine smiling without you
I can’t imagine not dreaming about you
It’s almost as if you belong here

I know this may sound creepy
But it’s deep and true
What I write comes from inside of me
And I love how you accept it now matter what

This may not rhyme
This may not make sense
But somehow it’s something I can’t say to you
I have to write it

Yea, I’ll admit, I’m scared of rejection
But I’m equally scared of being accepted to
I’ve never really had someone feel the same
And yet, I want it


Yea, Ryan, I’m talking about you.. I can’t recreate the perfect blog I had before, but this is kinda better in it’s own sense.. I will read this to you, tomorrow.. Or I’ll send it to you via mail.. I’m not sure yet, most likely read it to you.. It’ll be hard, and I’ll be blushing the entire time, but it’s worth it.. You don’t have to say anything on it.. Just listen, I know you’re good at that.. But your thoughts and comments are always welcome… You should know that by now.. But yea.. Ryan, you do make me happy…

Erick, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.. Because if you don't tell me, I'm giving you a card with like 20 bucks in it.. or something... so yea.. Miss you <3

Somebody needs to fix me, because I'm damn broken.. and I'm not sure if I can fix myself this time.. and I'm tired of all the bitching.. and I'm tired of it always being my fault.. and I'm tired of hurting people.. and I'm tired of not wanting to be here anymore.. and I'm tired of being tired.. I want to be as happy as I act in RP.. I want to feel that.. if not all the time.. at least occassionally.. I don't really think it's that much to ask for.. but I must be mistaken.. Guys.. I think.. I'm seriously messed up.. and I'm scared... and.. I don't know why, or what to do... I'm tired of home not being home.. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong in my own skin.. And the only one who makes me feel half way decent is Ryan.. and I damn well don't know what the hell's wrong with me... I'm tired of feeling like I shouldn't be me... I'm want to feel happy about each day.. I want to feel the way I feel when I'm laying on the phone with him.. I want to feel the way I feel when he writes me a damn email that makes me smile and I can't stop thinking about it.. I wanna feel normal.. all the time... I'm just tired of feeling like I'm not me, and not knowing what to do with it..

Ok Erick.. don't shoot me

So... I got a new boyfriend.. His name is Ryan.. he's 21.. he has a kid from a previous relationship but I could care less.. I really really like him, and wrote him this three page letter.. and he wrote me back.. and he's sooooo sweet... Omg.. Erick.. he's perfect... I've seriously never felt this way before.. like a constant high... I could lay on the phone for hours and just talk to him.. he makes me happy in a way I've never felt before... he can make any day suddenly be perfect... He can... make me laugh, he can make me.. smile... he makes me feel... not empty... Like I actually have a brighter future.. something to look forward to... Erick... when he wrote me back.. he said and I quote... "And any type of feeling that I would not like you take it out of your mind because You could be nine hundred pounds with bright green skin and smell like four week old tacos and I would still feel the same way about you."... Yea.... not the sweetest.. but... it still... made me smile... even more so since I just got out of the shower... Erick... I wish we still had a class together so I could tell you all about him.. so I could show you how happy I was... so I could... make you see how much different I am.. just in the short time we've been going out (Jan. 3 :D) I'm.. just so damn happy... I... Erick.. god I need to talk to you... Erick.... What if I'm in love?