Updates, updates, updates

So sometimes I just can't believe that everything has passed. The other day my siblings got their school registration stuff in the mail, and I actually went to look for the one with my name on it, only to remember, I graduated. I died inside, wanting so badly to go back. I can't believe that I'm now facing the rest of my life, as an adult. That "There's always school!" security is gone. I won't be able to hang with Amber during Government (she was the only thing that made the class bearable) or see Erick, or Omar. I just feel so blank inside these days, knowing that I don't even want college, knowing that I want to be a trucker. It's kinda hard. Knowing what I want but not being able to reach for it till I'm twenty one. Another thing. In a couple months, I turn 19. It just seems too big. Too much at once. My mom always said "They grow up fast." and I never realized how fast I was growing up until now. It's crazy, how it all starts to hit you. First you graduate, then if you don't have a job, you need one. Then.. just.. BAM, you realize, it's over. You look at your life and all you can think is "Goddess, I'm such a pathetic loser.." but you keep going anyway.

So despite my recent depression about growing up, Jasmine and Jessie are still having baby issues. I guess this just proves that people below a 'C' average shouldn't have children. Neither of them WANT the baby it seems. They're always going "Oh, Aunt Summer wants you." or "Mama wants you." and handing the baby over like it's a toy and they're done playing. Neither of them put this child first and I feel horrible for the little being they created because Jasmine's already said she regrets him, IN FRONT OF THE BABY! They take off running randomly down the street, leaving the baby crying in their room ALONE, or with someone who doesn't even know how to make a bottle. She has actually SCREAMED at the baby! I mean, she's considering moving in with the baby daddy's mom because she can't live with us. We're not good enough to live with now or something. I don't know. Mom tries to help any ways she can. I mean she was supposed to breast feed, since formula cost like 20 bucks a jar and NEITHER of them have a job. They live here, eat my moms food, my mom pays for EVERYTHING for them, and they just act like it's not good enough. So back to the problem. She was supposed to breast feed, but she decided she didn't want to anymore and mom would just have to buy her formula from then on.

I mean.. Seriously? Sometimes I just can't wait to find a job and get a place of my own, but sometimes I feel horrible for wanting to abandon my mom when I know I'm the reason for her sanity. I mean, I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I baby sit.. I fucking do everything just so she can go to work and keep the bills paid, while Jasmine bitches about never being able to leave the house, and never being able to do anything because she has a baby now. It sickens me. It's getting to the point where I'm seriously going to look at my mom one day and go "Me or them." and I WILL find some place else to go.

Sorry for being all majory bitchy/depressed and shit, but I really needed that off my chest before I exploded.